Audesi » Blog (Oldskool)

The True Measure of a Person

Earl Dixon — Wed, 02 Jul 2003 06:00:40 +0000

“The true measure of person lies in how they treat someone who can do them absolutely no good.”

audesi2 (2:08:09 AM): most people pretty much suck. haha. that’s what I figure. very few really kule people. lol
em0_b0i (2:08:25 AM): you couldn’t have said it any better then that
audesi2 (2:08:55 AM): and then some people you’ll think are kule, cuz they’re nice to you.
audesi2 (2:09:21 AM): but you can kind of see in the way they treat other people besides you. and expect that someday they’d probably treat you the same way. lol
em0_b0i (2:10:44 AM): yah, certainly
audesi2 (2:11:46 AM): true worth of a person is in how they treat someone that can do absolutely no good for them at all. lol
em0_b0i (2:12:09 AM): amen brotha

Greets to those kule peeps! ;-)

No One Left to Stop You Now

Earl Dixon — Tue, 01 Jul 2003 06:00:05 +0000

I’ve dreamt so long that I cannot dream anymore. Let’s run away! Forget this life, come with me! There’s no need to tell anyone, they’d only hold us down! Unlock your heart, drop your guard. No one’s left to stop you now.

Le cumha do dhiaidh ní léir dom an bealach a shiúil. Deiridh lucht léinn gur claoite an galar an grá, Char admhaigh mé é is é `ndiaidh mo chroí istigh a chrá: Aicid ró-ghéar, faraor nár sheachain mé í isgo gcuireann sí arraing is céad go géar trí cheart-lár mo chroí.

This Way Forever

Earl Dixon — Tue, 24 Jun 2003 06:00:49 +0000

If you don’t mind, this is probably the mushiest thing I’ve ever written. LMFAO.

My work of the last couple days. I decided to try Matt’s idea.. This is a musical idea that I pretty much played out on bass and sung freestyle without thinking about it too much. It came to me pretty easily and I got it recorded as quick as I could although I’m not sure how it exactly relates to the current situation in my life. lol. The rest was spent on the string arrangement. This is a rough draft.

This Way Forever
[See post to listen to audio]

Every time you look at me, I hope to see. See that look in your eyes that makes me feel complete. Everything I thought I had to say, suddenly vanishes and leaves me in defeat.

Because I have you in my arms, I’m happy and I pray that it will be this way forever.

For everything I ever wished that I could have been and everything we ever hope we can one day be. I see that the World make sense when I see it through your eyes. Destiny has called me to you and everything feels like it’s right.

Because I have you in my arms, I’m happy and I pray that it will be this way forever.

I found the truth in this moment, I learned about the greatest gift God gave the World. I seen all my hopes and dreams come to live, when I opened up my heart, I saw the light. Every time I look into your eyes, I see the signs and I know without a thought. I know without a doubt how it’s meant to be.

Ripping Away

Earl Dixon — Sat, 21 Jun 2003 06:00:28 +0000

I really don’t know what to say lately. I suppose I’m content… Neither really down or really up. I’m just hoping for the best in the future, hoping that things will go well, but really uncertain about everything. Relationship wise, I think I’m mostly hoping for a new best friend. That happens to be a girl. heh. ;-)

This is a newly recorded and altered song idea I originally wrote in Nov 2002. Short lo-fi preview of the nights work:

Ripping Away
[See post to listen to audio]

I feel it ripping away from me,
I feel it turning into dust.
I feel you leaving me,
like it wasn’t strong enough.

Oh, why can’t you see all meaning is dieing?
It meant everything to me and my soul is crying.

So I say, maybe it will… all fade away,
if you’ll just leave me be.
But it will! I swear it will all fade away
if you don’t hold on to me!

Maybe it will all fade away if you’ll just leave me be.
But it will! I swear it will all fade away
if you don’t hold on to me!

Solitude

Earl Dixon — Wed, 18 Jun 2003 06:00:16 +0000

Once I had forgotten what it meant to me, lost like the endlessly rising tides of the sea. The shadow and the light within me echoed endlessly as this repetitious existence robbed my sanity.

I took one last look back and a single breath, I felt your heart beating as I took the step ahead.

My heart let out a deep cry and I could feel you pleading, but it was only in this lonely solitude that I could feel you near.

I have trouble believing in a World so blind, when inner beauty and astonishment only fell on deaf ears. There’s a breeze on the wind that beats within. But that’s something you’d probably never understand, it’s like I’m the only one that’s alive…

I know there’s a place void of walls and full of things you’ve never seen and I begin to understand it now as the path washes clean. These shackles and chains have long since been broken. The ones who have never seen this have tried so hard to rip the truth to pieces and these crushing dreams have left me to be.

The truth was shattered into so many small pieces, but I still couldn’t understand why I couldn’t feel you anymore and I never could understand why I could no longer feel anything, anymore. Sorrow had left me cold and on my knees, but in the end I was the only one left to blame.

I thought I was just one more causality with another moment to be wiped away. I am to blame.

Falling Away

Earl Dixon — Tue, 17 Jun 2003 06:00:09 +0000

I’ve been lost, falling away from the World. Loosing myself to the sound of a voice. Everything within me, seeking, searching to find, meaning in all that’s surrounding me. There is this yearning that I can’t compromise, this need to give some part of me to someone. To share with someone a piece of my soul. To give someone the love that has been given to me all my life. Love is the answer to everything. Love comes with no excess baggage; no hate, no jealousy, no excuses and no tears.. That is fear. Fear which tries to destroy you. Fear which tries to tell you that you aren’t good enough, that you are going to lose something. There’s nothing to lose but yourself. Fear destroys you. But love is something you give and you feel the happiness knowing that you have given it. In essence, shared life with one another. Tears are cried in mourning. Fear that you’ll have no one to share it with. That, you have no need to worry about. Love will find you when void of the presence of fear. I’m finding myself and I’m realizing who I am and that there is nothing to fear. One day, I will find someone and I can trust and I have faith in that I will love her with my life and essence.

“A drop of acid leaves your eye….it falls into your soul and makes a small burn… each tear you create slowly destroys you.”

June 12th, 2003

Earl Dixon — Thu, 12 Jun 2003 06:00:31 +0000

I don’t want to go… I never wanted what happened to happen… I miss you…

June 10th, 2003

Earl Dixon — Tue, 10 Jun 2003 06:00:29 +0000

I don’t want to realize all that I’ve gone through to reach this moment that she says she has always known, but I don’t know if I can believe her.. I don’t want to realize how you left me here long ago, so blind that neither of us had known that some things we never can outgrow. I don’t want to realize all the pain I’ve gone through to meet you here. She said that she would always be near and that there was nothing to fear. I just want to close my eyes and dream of you and I together, just this moment lasting forever… She said that it could never be…

Magnified from a thousand miles away, missing you more than a thousand words can say, I can’t forget the past, not so fast. My heart feels as if it has been taken. I stare into absent space and begin to realize, I can’t get this gloom shaken.

June 3rd, 2003

Earl Dixon — Tue, 03 Jun 2003 06:00:44 +0000

Shouldn’t I be glad? Aren’t we glad? We’ve all become just another person to be scratched off; to be written off. Go onto the next one and on and on again. Take your turn in line! Say it will last forever! Say you’ll be there always! Then fucking leave! Take your turn in line. This is the way it is. I was there as long as you wanted me to, until you found something you thought was better. Just a temporary filling of the void inside your heart. I hope you one day understand!! It haunts my dreams. I kept my promise and I’m still having trouble accepting it. What damn heart, you don’t believe in love? Love isn’t for you… You tell me, I don’t know which things are lies, something doesn’t add up. What use are words when their content is meaningless and full of lies?? The hope of my World, my Life, stood on this. Don’t you see? I cry tears in my bed, but I don’t love you anymore. The only thing I know is the fact that I did and would have done anything. But to you it was all a big secret. I had thought you had felt the same way as I did. Yet, you can entice pretty much anything. Maybe that’s something you’ve learned. But I’ll tell you, this whole World and their bases of love is pretty much full of fucking shit. I just live too far away.. Distance was only temporary, but what does anything matter. It’s not right. It doesn’t make sense. This is the end. Fuck it.

The Ghost in the Melodies

Earl Dixon — Mon, 02 Jun 2003 06:00:28 +0000

All that remains are the memories and the ghost in the melodies, but I will hold on forever, past the day existence is severed. In the end, everything will fade away and our yearning will turn to dust, but my soul will forever lust. As I slip away, drifting further everyday, these dreams will test my soul, and I, I will lose control!!! When I step away from every single day and try to figure how it could be this way? I saw right from the start, this image that I held in my heart. I’ve seen the bliss of this condition reenacted in a foreign rendition.

The sun shines differently, the air smells different, the feelings inside of me are different, my heart beats differently. The thoughts that run through my head. Different. Even you. Even me. Something’s unclear. Something’s dieing. Something’s no longer real. Something’s certain. I might as well be dead to you. Your heart broken by others, your mind wants me to go away. Will never give me a chance. Another tear is shed as I feel the disconnection. Another pain as I break my promise. Another pain knowing you still mean something to me. Another pain knowing that you lied to me, either then or now, in any case. Another pain knowing that you never felt the same as I did. I felt one day you’d run back to me. That maybe you could see. I believed. I thought… <3 truth/perfection/destiny. I really believed it was meant to be.

What Lies Beyond

Earl Dixon — Sat, 31 May 2003 06:00:53 +0000

There’s so many things in my past that I wish I could take back and so many more things that I wish I would have done, but now I have to put it all down, and leave it behind where it belongs. It’s time to realize what lies in front of me. It’s time to be ready for what lies beyond. There’s no more time to be wrong. It’s time to realize that life is not easily a sweet, sweet song. There’s no space for regrets. Regrets are just a waste. But now I know, the places you go, the people you meet, the dreams you live and the enjoyment you receive is in all that you give and what you’re willing to receive. All of that’s up to you, it’s your decision, because you make you’re life and you live the decisions. There’s no need for fear and worry, we all face it from time to time. The ones who get on in life are the ones who are strong. Don’t be afraid to accept the truth, that you may be foolish and naive, that you aren’t going to do everything right and that everything’s not going to be perfect. Just let go of whatever makes you unhappy. You have room to grow. It’s time to be ready for what lies beyond. There’s no more time to be wrong.
It’s time to realize that life is not easily a sweet, sweet song.

Still Breathing

Earl Dixon — Wed, 28 May 2003 06:00:51 +0000

In these times of tribulation, when words fail to explain the reason that I lock myself behind these closed doors. All I wanted was someone to be with, I wanted you to feel the way I do. When you were in my heart, I was once truly alive. It means something to me. Why can’t I feel you anymore? It sunk deep down inside me, the thought I’ve lost what could have been. All the dreams I had to share with you and everything that I believed in. Your insincerity and confusion is all it took. My self esteem vanished, my ideals of love turned to deep sympathy. My eyes looked down and away from everything, as half my World was left alone to die. I reached to take the love back from you as you threw everything I had given you down, or dropped it without a second thought. I broke down in this place I still lye: Crashed to the ground. Picking up the pieces of my heart, locking it up and throwing away the key. Afraid, but secretly wishing that the pieces could be mended.

The Weight is Crushing

Earl Dixon — Tue, 27 May 2003 06:00:52 +0000

Am I the only one that feels alone? Though all is home, emotions flow. Am I the only one that hears the tears run down my face? Would anybody recognize at all? Cause I know I’m so slow, but I’m still trying and I’m still dying to know, say you won’t leave for the rest of my life. Life’s the only thing that deals the pain like pouring rain, breeding hate, and I don’t want to do no wrong. My God, it’s been so long, please comfort me before I go insane. I carry the weight of the world as the past is unfurled, but I won’t stop to wonder. Going through this life on my own made me as cold as a stone. I’m a ship going under. And I’d tell you this, but I don’t know how. I’m caving in and I’m falling out and I can’t resist. I can’t rebound with the weight of the world as the world falls down. This pain, I think about it everyday, it tells me I’m never going to get away. I know it’s over, but I can’t escape memories and how to face another day. It was not a chance meeting, feel my heart beating. You’re the one. You could take all this, take it away. I’d still have it all, because I’ve climbed the tree of life, and that’s why, I’m no longer scared if I fall. Nothing fails, No more fears, Nothing fails, You washed away my tears, Nothing fails, No more fears, Nothing fails.

Pointless Things

Earl Dixon — Wed, 21 May 2003 06:00:19 +0000

Can’t wish for impossible things. It’s pointless, when you know that there’s nothing you can do. Nothing you can do to make it right, nothing you can do to change anything. You can waste your time trying to destroy yourself. Break yourself down into disintegration. That’s no way to find love. It’s better to love someone who loves you back. It’s better to have friendship with those who are happy to be your friend. Someone who knows how you feel, cares how you feel, cares about your dreams and someone who listens and accepts the raw truth of your feelings and doesn’t judge you critically. Although it should extend much further out of the range of happiness and into the bad and darker times in life, you simply can’t destroy yourself for someone with a cold and closed heart. Let it go. That’s it! It may come back to you? But go on, love will find you eventually.

Pretending It’s Okay

Earl Dixon — Mon, 19 May 2003 06:00:55 +0000

I guess the worst feeling in my life is knowing the only one I was meant for is meant for someone else. and in love She is happy with him . I will never be him. Its like I’m a couple years late. The way I think to myself every night of how it could of been. If I wouldn’t of been so weird If I could go back 2 years. If I could smile with her and make everything ok. I will only look at her with him and pretend its ok.

Mine and Mine Alone

Earl Dixon — Thu, 15 May 2003 06:00:10 +0000

Lost in the madness, can only be there for this moment. Broken heart, shelled. Fallen and smashed into pieces, truth neither true nor pure. Watched it all wash away. Found how worthless, everything that meant something to me, was to you. Me and my dreams remain. Mine and mine alone. Alone.

Loved

Earl Dixon — Wed, 07 May 2003 06:00:30 +0000

I loved you. You’re the only one I ever loved.