Well, some good came out of the last song. I’ve been asked to do some session work and some string arrangement for a musician/singer friend of mine in Toronto. He says as an indie artist, on average he pays his programmers $20/hr. or $300 flat, because it’s usually 15hrs. worth of work per song. So I need to think about what it’s worth. That could probably be a good source of income, I’m thinking that maybe I should start doing session work and song writing for other people and also start looking for ways to get into doing some soundtrack work. Get my own compositions available for licensing deals as well as start doing the live shows.. Anyway, I really need to start thinking about the income sources.

If you don’t mind, this is probably the mushiest thing I’ve ever written. LMFAO.

My work of the last couple days. I decided to try Matt’s idea.. This is a musical idea that I pretty much played out on bass and sung freestyle without thinking about it too much. It came to me pretty easily and I got it recorded as quick as I could although I’m not sure how it exactly relates to the current situation in my life. lol. The rest was spent on the string arrangement. This is a rough draft.

This Way Forever

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Every time you look at me, I hope to see. See that look in your eyes that makes me feel complete. Everything I thought I had to say, suddenly vanishes and leaves me in defeat.

Because I have you in my arms, I’m happy and I pray that it will be this way forever.

For everything I ever wished that I could have been and everything we ever hope we can one day be. I see that the World make sense when I see it through your eyes. Destiny has called me to you and everything feels like it’s right.

Because I have you in my arms, I’m happy and I pray that it will be this way forever.

I found the truth in this moment, I learned about the greatest gift God gave the World. I seen all my hopes and dreams come to live, when I opened up my heart, I saw the light. Every time I look into your eyes, I see the signs and I know without a thought. I know without a doubt how it’s meant to be.

I really don’t know what to say lately. I suppose I’m content… Neither really down or really up. I’m just hoping for the best in the future, hoping that things will go well, but really uncertain about everything. Relationship wise, I think I’m mostly hoping for a new best friend. That happens to be a girl. heh. ;-)

This is a newly recorded and altered song idea I originally wrote in Nov 2002. Short lo-fi preview of the nights work:

Ripping Away

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I feel it ripping away from me,
I feel it turning into dust.
I feel you leaving me,
like it wasn’t strong enough.

Oh, why can’t you see all meaning is dieing?
It meant everything to me and my soul is crying.

So I say, maybe it will… all fade away,
if you’ll just leave me be.
But it will! I swear it will all fade away
if you don’t hold on to me!

Maybe it will all fade away if you’ll just leave me be.
But it will! I swear it will all fade away
if you don’t hold on to me!

Once I had forgotten what it meant to me, lost like the endlessly rising tides of the sea. The shadow and the light within me echoed endlessly as this repetitious existence robbed my sanity.

I took one last look back and a single breath, I felt your heart beating as I took the step ahead.

My heart let out a deep cry and I could feel you pleading, but it was only in this lonely solitude that I could feel you near.

I have trouble believing in a World so blind, when inner beauty and astonishment only fell on deaf ears. There’s a breeze on the wind that beats within. But that’s something you’d probably never understand, it’s like I’m the only one that’s alive…

I know there’s a place void of walls and full of things you’ve never seen and I begin to understand it now as the path washes clean. These shackles and chains have long since been broken. The ones who have never seen this have tried so hard to rip the truth to pieces and these crushing dreams have left me to be.

The truth was shattered into so many small pieces, but I still couldn’t understand why I couldn’t feel you anymore and I never could understand why I could no longer feel anything, anymore. Sorrow had left me cold and on my knees, but in the end I was the only one left to blame.

I thought I was just one more causality with another moment to be wiped away. I am to blame.

I’ve been lost, falling away from the World. Loosing myself to the sound of a voice. Everything within me, seeking, searching to find, meaning in all that’s surrounding me. There is this yearning that I can’t compromise, this need to give some part of me to someone. To share with someone a piece of my soul. To give someone the love that has been given to me all my life. Love is the answer to everything. Love comes with no excess baggage; no hate, no jealousy, no excuses and no tears.. That is fear. Fear which tries to destroy you. Fear which tries to tell you that you aren’t good enough, that you are going to lose something. There’s nothing to lose but yourself. Fear destroys you. But love is something you give and you feel the happiness knowing that you have given it. In essence, shared life with one another. Tears are cried in mourning. Fear that you’ll have no one to share it with. That, you have no need to worry about. Love will find you when void of the presence of fear. I’m finding myself and I’m realizing who I am and that there is nothing to fear. One day, I will find someone and I can trust and I have faith in that I will love her with my life and essence.

“A drop of acid leaves your eye….it falls into your soul and makes a small burn… each tear you create slowly destroys you.”

I don’t want to go… I never wanted what happened to happen… I miss you…

I don’t want to realize all that I’ve gone through to reach this moment that she says she has always known, but I don’t know if I can believe her.. I don’t want to realize how you left me here long ago, so blind that neither of us had known that some things we never can outgrow. I don’t want to realize all the pain I’ve gone through to meet you here. She said that she would always be near and that there was nothing to fear. I just want to close my eyes and dream of you and I together, just this moment lasting forever… She said that it could never be…

Magnified from a thousand miles away, missing you more than a thousand words can say, I can’t forget the past, not so fast. My heart feels as if it has been taken. I stare into absent space and begin to realize, I can’t get this gloom shaken.

Shouldn’t I be glad? Aren’t we glad? We’ve all become just another person to be scratched off; to be written off. Go onto the next one and on and on again. Take your turn in line! Say it will last forever! Say you’ll be there always! Then fucking leave! Take your turn in line. This is the way it is. I was there as long as you wanted me to, until you found something you thought was better. Just a temporary filling of the void inside your heart. I hope you one day understand!! It haunts my dreams. I kept my promise and I’m still having trouble accepting it. What damn heart, you don’t believe in love? Love isn’t for you… You tell me, I don’t know which things are lies, something doesn’t add up. What use are words when their content is meaningless and full of lies?? The hope of my World, my Life, stood on this. Don’t you see? I cry tears in my bed, but I don’t love you anymore. The only thing I know is the fact that I did and would have done anything. But to you it was all a big secret. I had thought you had felt the same way as I did. Yet, you can entice pretty much anything. Maybe that’s something you’ve learned. But I’ll tell you, this whole World and their bases of love is pretty much full of fucking shit. I just live too far away.. Distance was only temporary, but what does anything matter. It’s not right. It doesn’t make sense. This is the end. Fuck it.

All that remains are the memories and the ghost in the melodies, but I will hold on forever, past the day existence is severed. In the end, everything will fade away and our yearning will turn to dust, but my soul will forever lust. As I slip away, drifting further everyday, these dreams will test my soul, and I, I will lose control!!! When I step away from every single day and try to figure how it could be this way? I saw right from the start, this image that I held in my heart. I’ve seen the bliss of this condition reenacted in a foreign rendition.

The sun shines differently, the air smells different, the feelings inside of me are different, my heart beats differently. The thoughts that run through my head. Different. Even you. Even me. Something’s unclear. Something’s dieing. Something’s no longer real. Something’s certain. I might as well be dead to you. Your heart broken by others, your mind wants me to go away. Will never give me a chance. Another tear is shed as I feel the disconnection. Another pain as I break my promise. Another pain knowing you still mean something to me. Another pain knowing that you lied to me, either then or now, in any case. Another pain knowing that you never felt the same as I did. I felt one day you’d run back to me. That maybe you could see. I believed. I thought… <3 truth/perfection/destiny. I really believed it was meant to be.